How?

I don't know how this is done? How do you live in the same house with someone you cared about at one point and keep the calm. Steven has been laid off and so he's here a lot it makes me feel raw. As much as i try to banish it from my mind it still feels raw. When he's not here i feel calm i feel centered but his very presence brings up the panic. The panic over how I've acted the overwhelming feeling that if i could have just seen two steps ahead none of this would have happened. I need to stop caring about him but it's hard. It feels like a divorce and I've never done that before. I know things have to calm down at some point. I'm finding a path toward my own calm but i feel derailed at times and it's hard to get it back. When he's in the room with me my chest feels caved in i think of the friendship that is gone with Allie i think of the love that is gone with Steven. Everyone reminds me to breathe and be present but my present is so painful right now so full of reminders of the mistakes I've made. I feel alot better when i focus on the kids but that even feels shakable because i regret what I've brought them into. They felt comfortable in this they were told this was their family and now it's not. They've lost a friend they've grown up with and will probably never see again because of all this. I can't help but feel like the worst parent in the world for giving this to them and then to have it taken away. But I'll breathe and I'll keep finding my center and we'll all get through this in one piece.

~ Lila

Tested. Passing?

Am I an idiot? Am I crazy? Why do I still think that all we need is
time and that the four of us, together, will come through this?

Why do I feel calm, and feel like feeling calm will make everything
okay as long as everyone can do it?

Because I want it. Because I want it so bad. I don't want this chance
stolen from me by hurt feelings and stupid remarks and people who
don't know when enough is enough. It isn't fair. I played fair. I
don't want to have to live without it. I don't want to have babies
without it (I didn't before it). I don't want to move forward without
it, but I will if I have to.

My faith has been tested. I still have it. It is a crisis, but my
faith is firm. I am patient. I realize that this may be all for
naught. I realize that Steven wants to leave here in March. I realize
that Lila... every time we think we can trust Lila to be calm, she has
a breakdown, but she's better this week than she was the last week,
and she was better last week than the one before...

Steven has been away, been with Allie for too long for my comfort now.  She's
moving across state lines, still too far away for a quick commute for
Steven, but he's helping her move. It's been since Thursday since I've
seen him. It's Sunday. I still won't see him until I get off work
tomorrow. It hurts. I miss him so much. I miss him sooo much.

He tells me I have to hold it together for him because he can't handle
me falling apart. I don't think it's fair to ask me to hold it
together just because of other things that have nothing to do with me.

It's okay though. He's coming home tomorrow. I am looking forward to it.

I am looking forward to a time we can all sit on the couch together,
eating ice cream, watching Battlestar Galactica, cuddling, the four of
us.

Steven's been gone most of the last two weeks. He's been stuck in this
oblivious state of tension, not knowing that things here are actually
better. That Lila and Hank actually have not banded against him as he
might imagine. That when we think of him, we think of love. When he
leaves, he is fleeing. To Allie, from this house.

It's frustrating. I am patient.

Peace

I feel like i have just been to hell and back. I have never felt so lost and confused and sad as i just did. I had a hellish Bastard out of Carolina kinda childhood. I had a few rays of light in it and thankfully the majority of my adulthood has gone rather well.Spots of depression, but thanks to Hank I've always been able to keep it pretty much in check.

Then I met Suzy and Steven oh god i fell in love so hard, so blindly giving over full trust that they would never hurt me. Calm that I'd only let Hank make me feel. I walked around in this bliss for quite awhile wearing it like a blanket to the detriment of the rest of my life. I had plans up until then I had goals but the feeling of Steven holding me, making love to me, talking to me for hours and hours took over. I let myself slide into the background. As time went on the fights between us became more and more violent. I couldn't understand at the time why I'd yell the way I did why I'd break the way I did.

Steven is in love with Allie. I lost it I lost any grip on reality that I had up until then. It started out rather slowly with a feeling of dread in my stomach.I didn't want him with her because she is my friend,one of my closest really. But then I'd go back to it's ok I love them both very much. I want them happy I want them to feel love for each other because I love them very much. Then it would just swing back to the extreme where I hated them both so much for hurting me. Over the course of two months it finally got to the point where I honestly thought I was ok really ok. I felt that I had figured it out and I was really ok. So I went to visit Allie we had a wonderful night where we talked and talked and drank wine and eventually ended up in the same bed for hours. The next day I came home and Steven said that he hoped that I wasn't falling in love with her...and it snapped right back, right back to my anger and we went on fighting the rest of the night...
Allie then came to visit the next day for Hank's birthday...as soon as she walked in I felt the anger but I tried to push it down make it go away have a fun night with friends and leave it at that.That's not what happened as the night went on and the drinking began I became more and more angry and at one point was yelling mean, mean things at Allie and it just got worse from there.
This was just over three weeks ago.
The next day Steven and I actually made up we started out angry but it all broke down when he started crying and saying it was stupid of me to ever say that i didn't love him and that he didn't love me...Since then we've had some rather horrible fights that have resulted in our breaking up.

It's been sad of course but at the same time it's been quite a relief i feel back on track. I'm starting to do more for myself because at the core of all of this that has been the issue. I was looking for my self worth in others I've depended on others to make me happy when that's my responsibility. I'm in therapy now to work on the issues I've been having for years. I'm going back to school to get my degree. I feel ready to finally put the work into it.

I want Steven to have his time with Allie because I feel that I owe that to them.And that i owe them so much and i can't get in the way of that. I can't be a source of pain for them anymore. I never want to be a source of pain for anyone I love ever again.

Steven was laid off this last week and with that we've spent a lot of time together. We've talked about where our lives are going and what we all need to move forward within ourselves. It's been wonderful we have a wait and see mentality no fighting just becoming friends that love each.

This all came together this morning when i was listening to the radio and a behavioral scientist came on to talk about a study he'd done on the rational and emotional parts of the brain. What he did was give one person two numbers to hold in their mind and another person seven,then they'd walk down a hall to recite those numbers to another person. Halfway down the hall someone would stop them and offer them a choice of cake or fruit salad. The vast majority of the time the person holding the seven numbers would choose cake. The reason being that the rational mind is so busy holding those seven numbers that the emotional part of the brain can easily take over and make that decision.

I was so busy holding the regret the frustration the anger in my rational mind that the emotional aspect was able to come roaring out to take total and complete control. It's calmer now it's become manageable again. I still love that part of me it's done good things for me but i can never let that rule me again, because when it's given full reign it's a greedy beast of a thing.

~ Lila

An Email to Allie

Allie,

I don't think it's true that you all will never hang out again. I've been pessimistic, and prematurely mourning the loss of my home. Your past with Lila means more than that, and both of you want it to work out as far as your friendship goes.

So, yeah, my issues have more to do with the security I felt within our home that has been kind of on hold for a couple months now. It's just been a sort of triage situation, where Lila's issues seem more detrimental to my family than my own. So, for me, Lila's issues have been the focus of my concern. For Lila, I think, the scariness has been more about herself, her relationship with Steven and the feelings it stirred up that she is coming to terms with, compounded by the effect it's having on the household. She is coming to a point where she is more serene and more optimistic, and that, in turn, makes me feel much better and more able to focus on myself.

My concerns have more to do with how Hank, Lila, Steven and I will recover and develop through this and whether we're ever going to get back to the blissful, euphoric, easy state we were in before your relationship with Steven, and even before Dahlia. Because it wasn't just you and Steven, the scariness really began when Steven tried to be with Dahlia. But when Steven tried to be with Dahlia and when everything became difficult, I didn't really ever worry about our home. As angry as Hank and Lila were, I knew that we were going to come through it, and that the four of us would be better for it. I think that if we hadn't had that trial, I think we wouldn't have come as far as we have today with your relationship with Steven.

I have enough perspective to be excited for Steven when he's excited about you. When he tells me about his time with you, he becomes starry-eyed and talks about your adventures like he's been enchanted. I am not so selfish that I would like to see these times end. I think that Steven has come a long way since a year ago when we started dating Hank and Lila. He used to be a lot more argumentative, and fights with Steven were bitter, angry and emotionally violent. He's getting better about the dealing with moments that would have sparked these terrible nights. Last night Steven and I had another very beautiful moment on the beach, just the two of us. It was one of those moments where we were so absolutely in love that it felt like we must be glowing in the dark. These moments happen every now and again, and have been happening more often since Steven started dating you. I even went so far as to say, they have never been so overwhelmingly beautiful.

He asked me a few weeks ago, how can he be with someone and make them feel like they're the only person in the world. I told him that that question comes from the place we were all raised in. The place that teaches, if you're not the only person, you are less-than. I told him that if he's with me, I know it doesn't mean he loves Lila less, and I know it doesn't mean he loves Allie less. While focus is good, and it's good to pay attention to the person you're with when you're with them, it's not a sin to let someone else cross your mind. I told him that I think of him when I'm with Hank, but it doesn't mean I love Hank less. I think of Hank when I'm with Steven, but when I'm with Steven I just naturally know to appreciate the time.

The thing about being in love with more than one person is that you can't afford as much thoughtless, idle time. More often, you have to be able to make the time you have with them "quality time." You have to divvy up your time, if not in equal parts, then in fair parts. Most of the time this is easy to do, or it doesn't matter as much when things are easy and less volatile. When Hank, Lila, Steven and I were alone and it was just the four of us, it was very easy. I slept with Steven one night, knowing that barring any preexisting plans that Hank had with Lila, I would sleep with Hank the next night. It was the responsibility of each couple to make the most of those evenings. This was nothing that anyone ever said out loud, it was just the way that it had evolved, and it was just about perfect. It just didn't provide for the possibility that one of us would be in love with anyone else to the point of distraction.

I've told Steven that it doesn't bother me when he leaves town. It wouldn't even bother me if he left town overnight once every week. It just bothers me to think that the four of us will never be able to have an evening together, as a family, on the couch like we used to, without Steven needing to take an hour to talk to you on the phone (this has been working out, thanks to your understanding. I assume he's discussed it with you). It bothers me that, when I'm on a date with Steven, I'm competing with a text conversation you two are having. To be fair, I know that much of the time you're not aware of what's going on on Steven's side of the world, but I do know that some of the time you are. I also appreciate the fact that what you two have together is very strong and you two are basking in the new relationship energy and it's hard to be apart. I sympathize with it and I try not to get upset, but I think it's fair to tell you that it causes me some frustration. Maybe it won't even be an issue one day when we all have our feet firmly beneath us, but right now, it is. I remember what it was like to live apart from him like I was in the beginning. It sucked. I'm sure you feel like it's impossible to have enough of his time.

Polyamory has taught me a lot of things. We've all grown into better people over the last year that the four of us have been together. I have learned that I can be a crazy person, too. I never thought I could lose my mind and become an irrational ogre, but when I was having a hard time coming to terms with Steven being in love with Lila; not being able to get a grip on my emotions was torture. It was like in the Neverending Story when they were talking about the mirror that showed noble men that they were actually monsters. Steven and I were talking last night about people and their monsters. I was saying that we all have them; it's just that some of them have longer leashes on them than others. It's really scary for someone used to having their emotions under control to see your monster get off its leash. It's maddening to chase it around trying to get it back on. You can see yourself from the outside, running around like an insane person and you just know that the whole world is watching you lose your mind, whether they really are or not. I was there with Lila, and Lila was there just recently. Roping the monster back in and getting it to calm back down is not easy.

I will do what I need to do to get my happy home back. I can't live in a place with so much suspicion and pain, whether it's Steven's pain, Lila's pain, Hank's pain or my own. I don't want you to hurt either. When I'm in a rational place, I don't want anyone to hurt. It's just such. a difficult. situation to wrap my brain around. I spend a lot of time trying to even imagine what our lives will look like up the road because it is just so unique. I have nothing to compare this to. I have no idea how this is supposed to work.

We had plans on having a wedding, the four of us. We had discussed a tattoo that said, "Lila loves Hank loves Suzy loves Steven," that formed a circle. We were going to get rings. These things were nearer into the future then than they feel like they are now. Steven's feelings for you are serious. The circle feels lopsided to me now. These are my fears.

I love Steven and I love the way you make Steven feel. He more than just deserves as much love as he can get, I think that, as a growing person, this is what he needs. It's important for him to feel lovable, and it's important for him to know that he can have it. I am just trying to figure out how we're ever going to find our equilibrium. I am afraid it won't come back. I am terrified.

I keep coming back to a quote that Hank stumbled upon: "If it's not about love, you're doing it wrong."

I want this all to work. I want my peace back. If the peace is in a different shape than the last time I saw it, it won't bother me. I just want it. I know that with time and love and focus, the four of us will get back to something resembling stability. And I know that with time and communication, you and Lila will get back to a place where you two can hang out without her believing your only motive for being here is Steven. I know that we'll all be good friends.

Was this too much honesty all at once? Maybe there's things in here that maybe Steven would rather I hadn't said. I'm going to save this and look at it again in a couple of hours and make sure that it's clean and venom-free before I send it to you. I intend no harm. I don't mean to cause any pain. I want us to be friends.

-Suzy

WWWAAAAHHHH! MINE!

Me!Me!Me! That's what it comes down to this whole mess has been a tantrum of what I want! My friend! My lover! I can't let this idea go. I want to be a screaming 3 year old that had her toy taken away. But that's not what happened no one is mine except myself.No one took anything from me or wants to hurt me. I don't own or control anyone and if i keep acting like that's acceptable then I'll lose everything and everyone i love. Steven brought up the idea that i don't love him totally because i rarely if ever think of what he wants and needs. He needs love, he needs to be able to share that. I need to be happy with him in that. The pain I've felt over this will fade and is fading. The pain i get in my chest is a growing pain and is motivated by envy. But what am i being envious of really? I have a wonderful amazing full life so many people that love me no matter what. If they still love me after the way I've acted this last couple of weeks i don't see what else i can ask for.

Last night was so nice Suzy,Hank and I were together. As when one of us is away the three that are here will sleep together. And we had a lovely time being together and as i watched Hank come with Suzy I felt a little welling in my eyes because it was so beautiful the way they fit together. The way she whispered to him the way she held him the calm in his moan. It felt like we're getting through this we can see the calm on the other side. I haven't heard him sound so content in awhile as his worry over my mood and mental state has been overpowering. And so unfair to him.

I know we can get through this and that it'll make us stronger and more honest with each other.

Tonight i have a date with Hank a little dinner and a movie cause we love going to the movies holding hands and talking while we walk down the street. I'm so looking forward to it to our time together and being present in that.

I love you all so very much! Thank you all for sticking with me while i worked out this insecurity. Have a wonderful rainy day!

Pasta Sauce, Whoops.

 I'm not illiterate. I read sometimes. I like to read non-fiction, handbooks, tutorials... when I was in middle school I used to have a huge stash of romance novels. I liked them for the romance, but I really read them for the sex scene or two in each. I average reading maybe two books a year. Some years, it's more like ten, but most of the time it's more like two.

This has always been a source of some weirdness in my relationship with my spouse. Stephen sometimes hands me books that I'm mildly interested in and asks me to read it because he's SURE I'll love it, and maybe a couple times I tried, but I usually walk away from them. I lose interest. My attention span falters.

I like to write a whole lot more than I like to read, that's for sure.

Maybe if I felt like I had more time to myself. More time to be in my head. I need to remember that while people are expecting me to be home at a particular time, that doesn't mean I have to be home at that time. I need more time that is just mine, and no one is expecting me to share it with them.

I walked home from work yesterday. It took two and a half hours, and it should take less than two. I dawdled. Paused on my way to inspect things. Built a structure out of sticks in the park. Took a picture of my face in profile in front of a sculpture of a face in profile and sent it to Stephen. A deep appreciation of whimsy is something that all four of us have in common.

At that point in time, Stephen was on a train on his way downstate to visit Allie.

Anyway, the reason I started writing this was because Stephen handed me a xerox-copy of some pages out of a book, the kind of packet I'd get in school, with two book-pages per one xeroxed page. It was a short story that he felt like I should read, and so far, all of his attempts at getting me to read short stories have been successes.

I looked at it on the train. The first xeroxed page of the packet, the right hand book-page was the title page of the story, but the left side of it was the last page of the preceding story in the collection. The lone last paragraph of the last story was crossed out, there was an arrow pointing to it, scrawled in the empty open space beneath it, and a note: "This story was pretty good too." And then, another arrow pointing to what must've been a stain, but was invisible now with a circle around it, and a note attached to that other, smaller arrow saying: "Pasta sauce, whoops."

And then I looked at how the packet had been folded. Tri-fold. It looks like it could have come in an envelope. Maybe in the mail.

Then I get to making up stories about how they're mailing each other handwritten love letters...

And then I get a little jealous. Jealous of handwritten letters, envious... I was a little bitter about Stephen passing off a story his girlfriend passed to him...

But It's just a story I made up. Maybe it didn't even come from Allie. And here I am, letting it make me sad. Besides, what's there to be sad about?

I have a hard time accepting that there are things about Stephen's life that I may never know about. That's something I like about monogamy. When monogamous, it is possible one day to feel like you know everything about someone, but with polyamory, there may always be secrets. Maybe not secrets, but dark corners in history... fuzzy spots. Things told to Stephen in confidence, moments Stephen's shared with other people, things it's just not my business to know. When you're monogamous, you'll never know everything about the person you're with, but it's at least easy to feel like you do.

I'm really okay, I just miss Stephen. He'll be back the day after tomorrow, though. I want him to get the most out of his vacation to visit Allie. I hope he's having a lovely time.

 

Also, Stephen, If you read this and I am completely wrong about the short story story I made up, just ignore me. Whether that story is true isn't the point I was trying to make.

 

And the short story really was beautiful, thanks for passing it to me.

Dear Hank,

My day is going well so far, thanks for asking.

This morning, I sent Steven a text message:"I imagine that if ANY of us had fallen facefirst into something so strong outside of us, they would have had to fight for it. If even just a little. Not a one of us would have had it scot free. Thanks for breaking us in. I miss you already. I love you madly."

I came to the realization that any of us would have had a hard time of it, being the first one of the four of us to find emotions and affection so strong outside of our home. It was just unfortunate that it happened to be Steven, the lover of our beloved, sensitive, insecure Lila... and it's unfortunate that the "something so strong," just happens to be Lila's friend.

I think it could be worse. She could live in town and he could be seeing her every other day.
But I think it's true! Don't you? Any one of us would have had some breaking-in to do with a new relationship, and the new relationship energy, and there would be jealousy... or at least envy. I know that Steven would have envied me because he already had felt that he couldn't see anyone else after what happened the last time he tried (how could he have known it was as easy as turning the world upside down?). I would have been happy for you, but a little blue. Lila... I wonder if anyone would have any hard feelings for Lila seeing anyone new. Steven had hard feelings about that night she spent with Sal.

It's just interesting to look at the bigger picture and imagine what if. Steven doesn't like what-ifs. I do. I like to make up stories about how things might've been. They're probably not useful, but I think I'm good at making up accurate ones... If being good at making up "accurate fictional stories" makes any sense at all.

I think these next few days without him will be really swell. I really do. Steven is going to have a nice vacation with Allie, relaxing and being lazy like he and I used to do when I lived out of town and went to visit him. For that, I am envious. I miss that. But I think that the three of us are going to have fun. You and Lila will have your date on Thursday or Friday (let me know, because I'd like to invite Red over), I think I will try to get the craft area in the basement put together, and you and I will take that long, long walk to get me warmed up for The Walk coming up.

I am optimistic. I know we're stronger than to crack open over something like this. It's about love, right? If it's not about love you're doing it wrong, right?

And if it sounds like I'm being over-narrative, dramatic and less than casual with you, it's because I mean this email to double as a blog entry.

I love you veryveryvery much,

Suzy

Coming Home

When it was just Hank and I we took comfort in those moments where jealousy would come up in the fact that no matter what we would be coming home to one another. That no matter what that was solid and secure that we would be old together and in that we had stability. Since it's been all of us things have gotten a bit more complicated but we are doing what we can to keep that in mind when our others want to go off. I've gone through it a bit here and there not so much with Hank as we've been through this and I have no doubt that we're as solid as solid can be. But Steven, well he's different it's been just under a year that we've been together and it being so new I'm still working on finding my path with the jealousy i feel with him. In the beginning he was seeing someone and that ended up ending because Suzy and I had issues with her not wanting to hang out with us and in the long run they weren't all that compatible so that was that. There was another almost woman but just as I was on the verge of really figuring out my emotions with it it ended. Now there's another woman who happens to be an old friend of mine. I know for a fact that it'll never go much further than a good friendship with benefits due to extenuating circumstances...she's working on her doctorate at a school in another state. She's not one for long relationships and well she just has a very busy life.Hank pointed out that Steven is the perfect summer fling as he's not going to run off or get too attached to her. But there's still that voice in the back of my head that wonders, is he going to fall madly in love and fly off? He told me last night that he loves me and that I'm his family and that we'll be together for the rest of our lives and I have to trust that I have to believe that he will always come home to us just as I have that unwavering belief that Hank will always come back. Even in the beginning with Suzy and Steven when things were new and I felt jealousy in relation to Hank and Suzy I never once thought he'd be gone. So that's what I have to learn from this situation that he will always come home. I need to trust that and believe what I live every day that we are able to love those we love for different reasons and that doesn't diminish what we feel for any one individual. That's all.

Hi I'm Lila!

Hello all, I'm Lila and I'm a member of a poly quad. My primary is Hank and together we have 3 children and have been with each other for ten wonderful years. Hank is the love of my life. He is the one I can say anything to and be anything with. I tend to be a very private person but with him there are no walls. I can be open with him and that's the way it's been from the beginning.

Hank and I met while working at a little bookshop. I had only been there a few days when he introduced himself and I was automatically smitten... He has the most beautiful and expressive face and in it you have no doubt that he gets everything he can out of his experience and lives his life in that way. He was the total opposite of me. I was so closed off and sad when we me. I felt much older than my 24 years. One night I was out drinking with some mutual friends when I went back to Hank's apartment and he was sitting up all hyper after seeing a really great show. We sat up and talked most of the night and went on to be together for the first time. It was beautiful and we were in love... within a month we were living together, and within 6 months I was pregnant with our first child.

We declared from the beginning that monogamy was something we weren't cut out for. Within a month of living together we'd already taken another lover, though it was short lived. It was so nice being with someone that was open and comfortable with my inability to commit myself sexually to the same person for the rest of my life. Up until then I had tried so many times to maintain monogamous relationships, but they always ended in my cheating, my partners getting hurt and my being so sad for causing them that pain. I did love them, but I loved someone else for different reasons. Eventually, having children and building our family took priority over the years, and though we had some short lived affairs here and there, we were very inwardly focused.

We were going along happily when one evening I went to a friends house. She was hanging out with a couple of really nice people so we hung out for a few. I talked to Suzy about craftiness and she gave me a card advertising her business. Steven was shy and barely spoke two words, but I found him to be quite attractive. I didn't think much of it otherwise, just that they were sweet. A week or so later Hank and I were out with our friend and we ended up over at Suzy and Steven's apartment. Steven asked if I wanted a drink, I said sure and followed him to the kitchen. We were talking and at one point we made eye contact for a moment and I felt butterflies. It was so exciting as it had been awhile since that had happened. I was starting to really like this guy... ah... So the night went on from there. Suzy and I talked more on art, she showed me what she had created and we made plans to hang out soon. Hank and I left with little skips in our steps...

We hung out a few more times after that. Once we were hanging out with just Suzy, and at this point she tells us that they're poly as well and that they're trying to figure out what their deal is. Steven was out that evening, seeing someone else, and Suzy was sorting through her feelings about it. This was the first time he'd been away and she was feeling a bit sad, so we sat with her and talked into the wee hours when he came home and we left...

Fast forward a few weeks and we've hung out a few times and are really liking each other's company, when Hank decides to tell them that we are attracted to them. So we set up babysitting and have an awesome evening that leads to yummy breakfast and all of us falling for each other.

It's been stressful and there have been problems and jealousies. But it has been amazing to figure out how to all adapt and build a family together.

Beauty and the Beard

When we met Lila and Hank, he had a beard. A respectable, well-tended beard. According to Lila, he usually has a beard, only shaving it for special occasions. Otherwise, he's always bearded. Hank says that at the time we'd all met he had just decided that because it had been a while since they'd met anyone "special," he was just going to grow out his beard for the hell of it. After everything happened and the four of us fell in love, he decided it was his lucky beard and that he was going to grow it out even more.

His beard grew and grew over the months. We joked that he looked like a gold prospector (There's gold in them thar hills!)

Lila and Steven had a beef with the beard. Lila preferred Hank clean shaven in general. Steven loves Hank, but can't seem to be attracted to his face with fur all over it. Every chance they got, they teamed up to rip on Hanks poor scruffy jaw.

I was there when Hank shaved his beard, deciding that since it had been two weeks (he'd marked it on the calendar) since anyone had made any snide remarks, it was time. I was peeking around the bathroom doorjamb, scared to see the end results. Not just the aesthetic ones... but the the other less tangible ones. His beard came off in tough chunks like wool in the metalic teeth of the electric razor. Dense clumps of wirey auburn hair, fell softly and made what I called "beard bunnies" in the sink. His eyes were surprised at what had been happening underneath since the last time. The last time being over two years ago, long before I met him.

He wears a beard as a sort of a mask, and it's been okay with me. He always told me that he doesn't like his face, doesn't like his chin, and would prefer to keep it hidden. It's been okay with me, but I've always been curious. Always hoped that one day he'd let me see.

I love to run my fingers through Hank's beard. I love to take a handful at his jawbone and lightly tug. I like to skritch his chin. I love Hank in a beard, don't get me wrong (and I'm terrified that he will), but to see his face is such a gift to me. I cried to see him smile. He has creases in his cheeks I had no idea existed. He has a cleft in his chin and a jawline begging for kisses. I have a hard time thinking about seeing his face go away again, but then again... he is really cute in his beard.

Hi, I'm Suzy, and I'm a polyamorist (Hi Suzy!)

Steven and I are new at this. Hank and Lila have had extramarital relationships, mostly together, before. But as for Steven and I, this is the first successful poly relationship either of us have ever been in, so we're not especially hip to any lingo, laws, rules or anything else. We've done some homework, but essentially, we're newbies.

I have never been good at monogamy or strong in the willpower department and so I have cheated on almost everyone I've tried to be exclusive with. After I saw the movie "Two Girls and a Guy" at age 16, I had shed the idea that the only correct way to be is monogamous. The part at the end where Heather Graham's character was explaining that she thought maybe forcing oneself to stick with only one life partner might be some type of masochism, and that "maybe monogamy violates some essential part of our being," stuck with me. Resonated with me. I was inspired by the idea that it doesn't have to be that way, that some people don't have to be sealed up into boxes to make airholes as necessary (and sometimes open it up, climb out under the cover of darkness, slip back in and close it back up as inconspicuously as possible).

I wanted polyamory for myself and made a couple of fumbly attempts at it as a teenager, but when all was said and done, people were getting hurt and no one was comfortable. So, all through young adulthood I either slept around with friends all willy nilly or I was attached to someone. I was rarely single, actually. I was attempting, more often than not, to live in that box. When I did cheat, it made me feel terrible. I would do it once (maybe twice) per lover and then never again, cursing myself for being so loose or weak or whatever it was. I operated on the belief that what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them (the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt anybody) and I allowed it to eat me up on the inside, mostly.

I was waiting for that one person... the one that would make me forget all others and would be my perfect match and soulmate and would be so good in the sack that I would never be tempted ever again. That person would have to give me everything I need. The works. One stop shopping. The whole shebang.

Around the time that I had met my husband, I had been living in a city not very far from the one we live in now and was fresh out of a 2 and a half year, monogamous, semi-fidelitous relationship. I began to take bus rides with some frequency to visit friends that I had in that city. That's where I met Steven. He was a friend of a friend that I was actually sleeping with at the time.

His impish smile is what done me in. Well, that and the MDMA we and our friends were all on that night... He loved my favorite band, he made silly jokes, he was effeminate as hell, which I find incredibly attractive. I fell in love with the way that he seemed mature and stable, but childish and reckless. He likes to chill out and watch episode after episode of the same show all in a row, but he also likes to go out, have a good time and get completely plastered. As our relationship developed, I fell in love with how he wants to take care of me and worries about me, but at the same time, needs someone to mom him. I'm amused by how he can pay his bills on time, every time, but be completely impulsive with his own money. He is neurotic in ways that I can't comprehend sometimes, but it's all part of his charm.

I was blunt with him when he and I were getting to know each other and told him I was just not a monogamous person. The last relationship had taken a lot out of me and I was done with trying to make myself do something I didn't want or have to do and we bonded for a moment about how monogamy was for the birds.

We were on the phone, still across state lines from each other when Steven finally asked me to be exclusive with him. I was taken aback. He confessed that although he understood my predicament, he didn't think that he could share me. It really was a tough decision for me to make. I had barely been out of my last relationship for 2 months, and now here I go again jumping into a new one. It really has been the story of my post-pubescent life. I asked him if I could call him back. I took some time to myself to think about it. I was scared, but I was also falling in love fast, and I could feel it. So I called him back and said okay, but I did warn him that I wasn't good at monogamy and I would probably screw up. I hoped that maybe we could discuss non-monogamy in the future. Just a few months later, we were married.

About a year into our marriage I met Hank through a mutual friend, E. I was hanging out at her place, maybe a couple other people were there, and he was just passing though momentarily. My first impression of him was very favorable. I knew I wanted to be his friend by just looking at him. Not at his clothes or his good looks, but because he was always smiling and friendly. The fact that he was married, had children and was considerably older than I, were all reasons I never imagined it would move beyond friendship initially, but every time I saw him I got a warm feeling all over. He had an easy wink he shared with me and it made me very happy. When he moved past me, he touched me and made me want to be in his way more often. While talking to him and getting to know him, he said I should get to know his wife, because she crafts too and he thought we would get along.

The four of us, Steven, Lila and Hank and I, had spent time together a couple times when E mentioned to us that since we were struggling with the idea of polyamory, we should talk to Hank and Lila about it because they are poly. Steven and I were surprised at our good fortune, and we did ask them. We asked them if they had any rules, and they did. The rules were, don't fall in love with anyone else (ha!), and don't run away. We asked if they get jealous, and they said no... not really...

It didn't take very much longer for the four of us to figure out the way we all fit together. It turns out that Steven and I had always had problems with his need for stupid arguments, and my need to keep the peace. He has a destructive side that I had been trying to keep in check. We got along well enough, but the balance was very hard to keep even with all the communication. It was really tough sometimes but we were always in love, and desperately wanted to keep it that way. When we met Hank and Lila, they'd been together for 9 years. And while they didn't seem to do much arguing or have much in the way of marital strife, Lila admitted to missing chaos since Hank would rarely lose his cool or participate in screaming matches leaving her with an itch needing to be scratched. Each of our marriages had an element of that yin and yang, the calm and the restless, the placid and the argumentative, the laid back and the rowdy. And now we can have the yin/yang, the yin/yin and the yang/yang.

It's been said in our little circle before, and it bears repeating: we win. That's how it feels, really. It just feels like we win. We've been together nine and a half months. Here we all are, living together, the four of us with Lila and Hank's brood and my two cats. We've been in this house for over two months now, one big happy family, adjusting, unpacking, testing boundaries and learning as we go, together.

Kathy Labriola, in an article she wrote in Loving More Magazine about poly partnerships living together (http://www.lovemore.com/articles/plstyle.html), said: "I have seen literally hundreds of threesomes and foursomes move in together as poly families, and I can count on my fingers the ones who have been able to sustain their family for more than two years." Well, I take that as a challenge. That's part of the reason I was psyched about writing this blog with my partners, is because I want to make this work, permanently, and I want people to see how we did it.

While we know that there are resources to be had, even community groups we could attend, there is no public common knowledge (well, not entirely accurate knowledge) about polyamory and especially poly families. And I understand that it would be tough to outline every single separate possible partnership, and living situation and the dos and the don'ts of each and the many different ways it could either fail or work... but I feel like the more information out there, the better. We're fumbling around, trying to be respectful and considerate of each other's feelings and time and it is HARD, but if anyone can glean any kind of useful information from the four of us leaving little tidbits here, then thank goodness.

This...

...is just a test.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP