Allie,
I don't think it's true that you all will never hang out again. I've been pessimistic, and prematurely mourning the loss of my home. Your past with Lila means more than that, and both of you want it to work out as far as your friendship goes.
So, yeah, my issues have more to do with the security I felt within our home that has been kind of on hold for a couple months now. It's just been a sort of triage situation, where Lila's issues seem more detrimental to my family than my own. So, for me, Lila's issues have been the focus of my concern. For Lila, I think, the scariness has been more about herself, her relationship with Steven and the feelings it stirred up that she is coming to terms with, compounded by the effect it's having on the household. She is coming to a point where she is more serene and more optimistic, and that, in turn, makes me feel much better and more able to focus on myself.
My concerns have more to do with how Hank, Lila, Steven and I will recover and develop through this and whether we're ever going to get back to the blissful, euphoric, easy state we were in before your relationship with Steven, and even before Dahlia. Because it wasn't just you and Steven, the scariness really began when Steven tried to be with Dahlia. But when Steven tried to be with Dahlia and when everything became difficult, I didn't really ever worry about our home. As angry as Hank and Lila were, I knew that we were going to come through it, and that the four of us would be better for it. I think that if we hadn't had that trial, I think we wouldn't have come as far as we have today with your relationship with Steven.
I have enough perspective to be excited for Steven when he's excited about you. When he tells me about his time with you, he becomes starry-eyed and talks about your adventures like he's been enchanted. I am not so selfish that I would like to see these times end. I think that Steven has come a long way since a year ago when we started dating Hank and Lila. He used to be a lot more argumentative, and fights with Steven were bitter, angry and emotionally violent. He's getting better about the dealing with moments that would have sparked these terrible nights. Last night Steven and I had another very beautiful moment on the beach, just the two of us. It was one of those moments where we were so absolutely in love that it felt like we must be glowing in the dark. These moments happen every now and again, and have been happening more often since Steven started dating you. I even went so far as to say, they have never been so overwhelmingly beautiful.
He asked me a few weeks ago, how can he be with someone and make them feel like they're the only person in the world. I told him that that question comes from the place we were all raised in. The place that teaches, if you're not the only person, you are less-than. I told him that if he's with me, I know it doesn't mean he loves Lila less, and I know it doesn't mean he loves Allie less. While focus is good, and it's good to pay attention to the person you're with when you're with them, it's not a sin to let someone else cross your mind. I told him that I think of him when I'm with Hank, but it doesn't mean I love Hank less. I think of Hank when I'm with Steven, but when I'm with Steven I just naturally know to appreciate the time.
The thing about being in love with more than one person is that you can't afford as much thoughtless, idle time. More often, you have to be able to make the time you have with them "quality time." You have to divvy up your time, if not in equal parts, then in fair parts. Most of the time this is easy to do, or it doesn't matter as much when things are easy and less volatile. When Hank, Lila, Steven and I were alone and it was just the four of us, it was very easy. I slept with Steven one night, knowing that barring any preexisting plans that Hank had with Lila, I would sleep with Hank the next night. It was the responsibility of each couple to make the most of those evenings. This was nothing that anyone ever said out loud, it was just the way that it had evolved, and it was just about perfect. It just didn't provide for the possibility that one of us would be in love with anyone else to the point of distraction.
I've told Steven that it doesn't bother me when he leaves town. It wouldn't even bother me if he left town overnight once every week. It just bothers me to think that the four of us will never be able to have an evening together, as a family, on the couch like we used to, without Steven needing to take an hour to talk to you on the phone (this has been working out, thanks to your understanding. I assume he's discussed it with you). It bothers me that, when I'm on a date with Steven, I'm competing with a text conversation you two are having. To be fair, I know that much of the time you're not aware of what's going on on Steven's side of the world, but I do know that some of the time you are. I also appreciate the fact that what you two have together is very strong and you two are basking in the new relationship energy and it's hard to be apart. I sympathize with it and I try not to get upset, but I think it's fair to tell you that it causes me some frustration. Maybe it won't even be an issue one day when we all have our feet firmly beneath us, but right now, it is. I remember what it was like to live apart from him like I was in the beginning. It sucked. I'm sure you feel like it's impossible to have enough of his time.
Polyamory has taught me a lot of things. We've all grown into better people over the last year that the four of us have been together. I have learned that I can be a crazy person, too. I never thought I could lose my mind and become an irrational ogre, but when I was having a hard time coming to terms with Steven being in love with Lila; not being able to get a grip on my emotions was torture. It was like in the Neverending Story when they were talking about the mirror that showed noble men that they were actually monsters. Steven and I were talking last night about people and their monsters. I was saying that we all have them; it's just that some of them have longer leashes on them than others. It's really scary for someone used to having their emotions under control to see your monster get off its leash. It's maddening to chase it around trying to get it back on. You can see yourself from the outside, running around like an insane person and you just know that the whole world is watching you lose your mind, whether they really are or not. I was there with Lila, and Lila was there just recently. Roping the monster back in and getting it to calm back down is not easy.
I will do what I need to do to get my happy home back. I can't live in a place with so much suspicion and pain, whether it's Steven's pain, Lila's pain, Hank's pain or my own. I don't want you to hurt either. When I'm in a rational place, I don't want anyone to hurt. It's just such. a difficult. situation to wrap my brain around. I spend a lot of time trying to even imagine what our lives will look like up the road because it is just so unique. I have nothing to compare this to. I have no idea how this is supposed to work.
We had plans on having a wedding, the four of us. We had discussed a tattoo that said, "Lila loves Hank loves Suzy loves Steven," that formed a circle. We were going to get rings. These things were nearer into the future then than they feel like they are now. Steven's feelings for you are serious. The circle feels lopsided to me now. These are my fears.
I love Steven and I love the way you make Steven feel. He more than just deserves as much love as he can get, I think that, as a growing person, this is what he needs. It's important for him to feel lovable, and it's important for him to know that he can have it. I am just trying to figure out how we're ever going to find our equilibrium. I am afraid it won't come back. I am terrified.
I keep coming back to a quote that Hank stumbled upon: "If it's not about love, you're doing it wrong."
I want this all to work. I want my peace back. If the peace is in a different shape than the last time I saw it, it won't bother me. I just want it. I know that with time and love and focus, the four of us will get back to something resembling stability. And I know that with time and communication, you and Lila will get back to a place where you two can hang out without her believing your only motive for being here is Steven. I know that we'll all be good friends.
Was this too much honesty all at once? Maybe there's things in here that maybe Steven would rather I hadn't said. I'm going to save this and look at it again in a couple of hours and make sure that it's clean and venom-free before I send it to you. I intend no harm. I don't mean to cause any pain. I want us to be friends.
-Suzy
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