Peace

I feel like i have just been to hell and back. I have never felt so lost and confused and sad as i just did. I had a hellish Bastard out of Carolina kinda childhood. I had a few rays of light in it and thankfully the majority of my adulthood has gone rather well.Spots of depression, but thanks to Hank I've always been able to keep it pretty much in check.

Then I met Suzy and Steven oh god i fell in love so hard, so blindly giving over full trust that they would never hurt me. Calm that I'd only let Hank make me feel. I walked around in this bliss for quite awhile wearing it like a blanket to the detriment of the rest of my life. I had plans up until then I had goals but the feeling of Steven holding me, making love to me, talking to me for hours and hours took over. I let myself slide into the background. As time went on the fights between us became more and more violent. I couldn't understand at the time why I'd yell the way I did why I'd break the way I did.

Steven is in love with Allie. I lost it I lost any grip on reality that I had up until then. It started out rather slowly with a feeling of dread in my stomach.I didn't want him with her because she is my friend,one of my closest really. But then I'd go back to it's ok I love them both very much. I want them happy I want them to feel love for each other because I love them very much. Then it would just swing back to the extreme where I hated them both so much for hurting me. Over the course of two months it finally got to the point where I honestly thought I was ok really ok. I felt that I had figured it out and I was really ok. So I went to visit Allie we had a wonderful night where we talked and talked and drank wine and eventually ended up in the same bed for hours. The next day I came home and Steven said that he hoped that I wasn't falling in love with her...and it snapped right back, right back to my anger and we went on fighting the rest of the night...
Allie then came to visit the next day for Hank's birthday...as soon as she walked in I felt the anger but I tried to push it down make it go away have a fun night with friends and leave it at that.That's not what happened as the night went on and the drinking began I became more and more angry and at one point was yelling mean, mean things at Allie and it just got worse from there.
This was just over three weeks ago.
The next day Steven and I actually made up we started out angry but it all broke down when he started crying and saying it was stupid of me to ever say that i didn't love him and that he didn't love me...Since then we've had some rather horrible fights that have resulted in our breaking up.

It's been sad of course but at the same time it's been quite a relief i feel back on track. I'm starting to do more for myself because at the core of all of this that has been the issue. I was looking for my self worth in others I've depended on others to make me happy when that's my responsibility. I'm in therapy now to work on the issues I've been having for years. I'm going back to school to get my degree. I feel ready to finally put the work into it.

I want Steven to have his time with Allie because I feel that I owe that to them.And that i owe them so much and i can't get in the way of that. I can't be a source of pain for them anymore. I never want to be a source of pain for anyone I love ever again.

Steven was laid off this last week and with that we've spent a lot of time together. We've talked about where our lives are going and what we all need to move forward within ourselves. It's been wonderful we have a wait and see mentality no fighting just becoming friends that love each.

This all came together this morning when i was listening to the radio and a behavioral scientist came on to talk about a study he'd done on the rational and emotional parts of the brain. What he did was give one person two numbers to hold in their mind and another person seven,then they'd walk down a hall to recite those numbers to another person. Halfway down the hall someone would stop them and offer them a choice of cake or fruit salad. The vast majority of the time the person holding the seven numbers would choose cake. The reason being that the rational mind is so busy holding those seven numbers that the emotional part of the brain can easily take over and make that decision.

I was so busy holding the regret the frustration the anger in my rational mind that the emotional aspect was able to come roaring out to take total and complete control. It's calmer now it's become manageable again. I still love that part of me it's done good things for me but i can never let that rule me again, because when it's given full reign it's a greedy beast of a thing.

~ Lila