Dear Hank,

My day is going well so far, thanks for asking.

This morning, I sent Steven a text message:"I imagine that if ANY of us had fallen facefirst into something so strong outside of us, they would have had to fight for it. If even just a little. Not a one of us would have had it scot free. Thanks for breaking us in. I miss you already. I love you madly."

I came to the realization that any of us would have had a hard time of it, being the first one of the four of us to find emotions and affection so strong outside of our home. It was just unfortunate that it happened to be Steven, the lover of our beloved, sensitive, insecure Lila... and it's unfortunate that the "something so strong," just happens to be Lila's friend.

I think it could be worse. She could live in town and he could be seeing her every other day.
But I think it's true! Don't you? Any one of us would have had some breaking-in to do with a new relationship, and the new relationship energy, and there would be jealousy... or at least envy. I know that Steven would have envied me because he already had felt that he couldn't see anyone else after what happened the last time he tried (how could he have known it was as easy as turning the world upside down?). I would have been happy for you, but a little blue. Lila... I wonder if anyone would have any hard feelings for Lila seeing anyone new. Steven had hard feelings about that night she spent with Sal.

It's just interesting to look at the bigger picture and imagine what if. Steven doesn't like what-ifs. I do. I like to make up stories about how things might've been. They're probably not useful, but I think I'm good at making up accurate ones... If being good at making up "accurate fictional stories" makes any sense at all.

I think these next few days without him will be really swell. I really do. Steven is going to have a nice vacation with Allie, relaxing and being lazy like he and I used to do when I lived out of town and went to visit him. For that, I am envious. I miss that. But I think that the three of us are going to have fun. You and Lila will have your date on Thursday or Friday (let me know, because I'd like to invite Red over), I think I will try to get the craft area in the basement put together, and you and I will take that long, long walk to get me warmed up for The Walk coming up.

I am optimistic. I know we're stronger than to crack open over something like this. It's about love, right? If it's not about love you're doing it wrong, right?

And if it sounds like I'm being over-narrative, dramatic and less than casual with you, it's because I mean this email to double as a blog entry.

I love you veryveryvery much,

Suzy