I don't know how this is done? How do you live in the same house with someone you cared about at one point and keep the calm. Steven has been laid off and so he's here a lot it makes me feel raw. As much as i try to banish it from my mind it still feels raw. When he's not here i feel calm i feel centered but his very presence brings up the panic. The panic over how I've acted the overwhelming feeling that if i could have just seen two steps ahead none of this would have happened. I need to stop caring about him but it's hard. It feels like a divorce and I've never done that before. I know things have to calm down at some point. I'm finding a path toward my own calm but i feel derailed at times and it's hard to get it back. When he's in the room with me my chest feels caved in i think of the friendship that is gone with Allie i think of the love that is gone with Steven. Everyone reminds me to breathe and be present but my present is so painful right now so full of reminders of the mistakes I've made. I feel alot better when i focus on the kids but that even feels shakable because i regret what I've brought them into. They felt comfortable in this they were told this was their family and now it's not. They've lost a friend they've grown up with and will probably never see again because of all this. I can't help but feel like the worst parent in the world for giving this to them and then to have it taken away. But I'll breathe and I'll keep finding my center and we'll all get through this in one piece.
~ Lila
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Tested. Passing?
Am I an idiot? Am I crazy? Why do I still think that all we need is
time and that the four of us, together, will come through this?
Why do I feel calm, and feel like feeling calm will make everything
okay as long as everyone can do it?
Because I want it. Because I want it so bad. I don't want this chance
stolen from me by hurt feelings and stupid remarks and people who
don't know when enough is enough. It isn't fair. I played fair. I
don't want to have to live without it. I don't want to have babies
without it (I didn't before it). I don't want to move forward without
it, but I will if I have to.
My faith has been tested. I still have it. It is a crisis, but my
faith is firm. I am patient. I realize that this may be all for
naught. I realize that Steven wants to leave here in March. I realize
that Lila... every time we think we can trust Lila to be calm, she has
a breakdown, but she's better this week than she was the last week,
and she was better last week than the one before...
Steven has been away, been with Allie for too long for my comfort now. She's
moving across state lines, still too far away for a quick commute for
Steven, but he's helping her move. It's been since Thursday since I've
seen him. It's Sunday. I still won't see him until I get off work
tomorrow. It hurts. I miss him so much. I miss him sooo much.
He tells me I have to hold it together for him because he can't handle
me falling apart. I don't think it's fair to ask me to hold it
together just because of other things that have nothing to do with me.
It's okay though. He's coming home tomorrow. I am looking forward to it.
I am looking forward to a time we can all sit on the couch together,
eating ice cream, watching Battlestar Galactica, cuddling, the four of
us.
Steven's been gone most of the last two weeks. He's been stuck in this
oblivious state of tension, not knowing that things here are actually
better. That Lila and Hank actually have not banded against him as he
might imagine. That when we think of him, we think of love. When he
leaves, he is fleeing. To Allie, from this house.
It's frustrating. I am patient.
time and that the four of us, together, will come through this?
Why do I feel calm, and feel like feeling calm will make everything
okay as long as everyone can do it?
Because I want it. Because I want it so bad. I don't want this chance
stolen from me by hurt feelings and stupid remarks and people who
don't know when enough is enough. It isn't fair. I played fair. I
don't want to have to live without it. I don't want to have babies
without it (I didn't before it). I don't want to move forward without
it, but I will if I have to.
My faith has been tested. I still have it. It is a crisis, but my
faith is firm. I am patient. I realize that this may be all for
naught. I realize that Steven wants to leave here in March. I realize
that Lila... every time we think we can trust Lila to be calm, she has
a breakdown, but she's better this week than she was the last week,
and she was better last week than the one before...
Steven has been away, been with Allie for too long for my comfort now. She's
moving across state lines, still too far away for a quick commute for
Steven, but he's helping her move. It's been since Thursday since I've
seen him. It's Sunday. I still won't see him until I get off work
tomorrow. It hurts. I miss him so much. I miss him sooo much.
He tells me I have to hold it together for him because he can't handle
me falling apart. I don't think it's fair to ask me to hold it
together just because of other things that have nothing to do with me.
It's okay though. He's coming home tomorrow. I am looking forward to it.
I am looking forward to a time we can all sit on the couch together,
eating ice cream, watching Battlestar Galactica, cuddling, the four of
us.
Steven's been gone most of the last two weeks. He's been stuck in this
oblivious state of tension, not knowing that things here are actually
better. That Lila and Hank actually have not banded against him as he
might imagine. That when we think of him, we think of love. When he
leaves, he is fleeing. To Allie, from this house.
It's frustrating. I am patient.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Peace
I feel like i have just been to hell and back. I have never felt so lost and confused and sad as i just did. I had a hellish Bastard out of Carolina kinda childhood. I had a few rays of light in it and thankfully the majority of my adulthood has gone rather well.Spots of depression, but thanks to Hank I've always been able to keep it pretty much in check.
Then I met Suzy and Steven oh god i fell in love so hard, so blindly giving over full trust that they would never hurt me. Calm that I'd only let Hank make me feel. I walked around in this bliss for quite awhile wearing it like a blanket to the detriment of the rest of my life. I had plans up until then I had goals but the feeling of Steven holding me, making love to me, talking to me for hours and hours took over. I let myself slide into the background. As time went on the fights between us became more and more violent. I couldn't understand at the time why I'd yell the way I did why I'd break the way I did.
Steven is in love with Allie. I lost it I lost any grip on reality that I had up until then. It started out rather slowly with a feeling of dread in my stomach.I didn't want him with her because she is my friend,one of my closest really. But then I'd go back to it's ok I love them both very much. I want them happy I want them to feel love for each other because I love them very much. Then it would just swing back to the extreme where I hated them both so much for hurting me. Over the course of two months it finally got to the point where I honestly thought I was ok really ok. I felt that I had figured it out and I was really ok. So I went to visit Allie we had a wonderful night where we talked and talked and drank wine and eventually ended up in the same bed for hours. The next day I came home and Steven said that he hoped that I wasn't falling in love with her...and it snapped right back, right back to my anger and we went on fighting the rest of the night...
Allie then came to visit the next day for Hank's birthday...as soon as she walked in I felt the anger but I tried to push it down make it go away have a fun night with friends and leave it at that.That's not what happened as the night went on and the drinking began I became more and more angry and at one point was yelling mean, mean things at Allie and it just got worse from there.
This was just over three weeks ago.
The next day Steven and I actually made up we started out angry but it all broke down when he started crying and saying it was stupid of me to ever say that i didn't love him and that he didn't love me...Since then we've had some rather horrible fights that have resulted in our breaking up.
It's been sad of course but at the same time it's been quite a relief i feel back on track. I'm starting to do more for myself because at the core of all of this that has been the issue. I was looking for my self worth in others I've depended on others to make me happy when that's my responsibility. I'm in therapy now to work on the issues I've been having for years. I'm going back to school to get my degree. I feel ready to finally put the work into it.
I want Steven to have his time with Allie because I feel that I owe that to them.And that i owe them so much and i can't get in the way of that. I can't be a source of pain for them anymore. I never want to be a source of pain for anyone I love ever again.
Steven was laid off this last week and with that we've spent a lot of time together. We've talked about where our lives are going and what we all need to move forward within ourselves. It's been wonderful we have a wait and see mentality no fighting just becoming friends that love each.
This all came together this morning when i was listening to the radio and a behavioral scientist came on to talk about a study he'd done on the rational and emotional parts of the brain. What he did was give one person two numbers to hold in their mind and another person seven,then they'd walk down a hall to recite those numbers to another person. Halfway down the hall someone would stop them and offer them a choice of cake or fruit salad. The vast majority of the time the person holding the seven numbers would choose cake. The reason being that the rational mind is so busy holding those seven numbers that the emotional part of the brain can easily take over and make that decision.
I was so busy holding the regret the frustration the anger in my rational mind that the emotional aspect was able to come roaring out to take total and complete control. It's calmer now it's become manageable again. I still love that part of me it's done good things for me but i can never let that rule me again, because when it's given full reign it's a greedy beast of a thing.
~ Lila
Then I met Suzy and Steven oh god i fell in love so hard, so blindly giving over full trust that they would never hurt me. Calm that I'd only let Hank make me feel. I walked around in this bliss for quite awhile wearing it like a blanket to the detriment of the rest of my life. I had plans up until then I had goals but the feeling of Steven holding me, making love to me, talking to me for hours and hours took over. I let myself slide into the background. As time went on the fights between us became more and more violent. I couldn't understand at the time why I'd yell the way I did why I'd break the way I did.
Steven is in love with Allie. I lost it I lost any grip on reality that I had up until then. It started out rather slowly with a feeling of dread in my stomach.I didn't want him with her because she is my friend,one of my closest really. But then I'd go back to it's ok I love them both very much. I want them happy I want them to feel love for each other because I love them very much. Then it would just swing back to the extreme where I hated them both so much for hurting me. Over the course of two months it finally got to the point where I honestly thought I was ok really ok. I felt that I had figured it out and I was really ok. So I went to visit Allie we had a wonderful night where we talked and talked and drank wine and eventually ended up in the same bed for hours. The next day I came home and Steven said that he hoped that I wasn't falling in love with her...and it snapped right back, right back to my anger and we went on fighting the rest of the night...
Allie then came to visit the next day for Hank's birthday...as soon as she walked in I felt the anger but I tried to push it down make it go away have a fun night with friends and leave it at that.That's not what happened as the night went on and the drinking began I became more and more angry and at one point was yelling mean, mean things at Allie and it just got worse from there.
This was just over three weeks ago.
The next day Steven and I actually made up we started out angry but it all broke down when he started crying and saying it was stupid of me to ever say that i didn't love him and that he didn't love me...Since then we've had some rather horrible fights that have resulted in our breaking up.
It's been sad of course but at the same time it's been quite a relief i feel back on track. I'm starting to do more for myself because at the core of all of this that has been the issue. I was looking for my self worth in others I've depended on others to make me happy when that's my responsibility. I'm in therapy now to work on the issues I've been having for years. I'm going back to school to get my degree. I feel ready to finally put the work into it.
I want Steven to have his time with Allie because I feel that I owe that to them.And that i owe them so much and i can't get in the way of that. I can't be a source of pain for them anymore. I never want to be a source of pain for anyone I love ever again.
Steven was laid off this last week and with that we've spent a lot of time together. We've talked about where our lives are going and what we all need to move forward within ourselves. It's been wonderful we have a wait and see mentality no fighting just becoming friends that love each.
This all came together this morning when i was listening to the radio and a behavioral scientist came on to talk about a study he'd done on the rational and emotional parts of the brain. What he did was give one person two numbers to hold in their mind and another person seven,then they'd walk down a hall to recite those numbers to another person. Halfway down the hall someone would stop them and offer them a choice of cake or fruit salad. The vast majority of the time the person holding the seven numbers would choose cake. The reason being that the rational mind is so busy holding those seven numbers that the emotional part of the brain can easily take over and make that decision.
I was so busy holding the regret the frustration the anger in my rational mind that the emotional aspect was able to come roaring out to take total and complete control. It's calmer now it's become manageable again. I still love that part of me it's done good things for me but i can never let that rule me again, because when it's given full reign it's a greedy beast of a thing.
~ Lila
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
