Tested. Passing?

Am I an idiot? Am I crazy? Why do I still think that all we need is
time and that the four of us, together, will come through this?

Why do I feel calm, and feel like feeling calm will make everything
okay as long as everyone can do it?

Because I want it. Because I want it so bad. I don't want this chance
stolen from me by hurt feelings and stupid remarks and people who
don't know when enough is enough. It isn't fair. I played fair. I
don't want to have to live without it. I don't want to have babies
without it (I didn't before it). I don't want to move forward without
it, but I will if I have to.

My faith has been tested. I still have it. It is a crisis, but my
faith is firm. I am patient. I realize that this may be all for
naught. I realize that Steven wants to leave here in March. I realize
that Lila... every time we think we can trust Lila to be calm, she has
a breakdown, but she's better this week than she was the last week,
and she was better last week than the one before...

Steven has been away, been with Allie for too long for my comfort now.  She's
moving across state lines, still too far away for a quick commute for
Steven, but he's helping her move. It's been since Thursday since I've
seen him. It's Sunday. I still won't see him until I get off work
tomorrow. It hurts. I miss him so much. I miss him sooo much.

He tells me I have to hold it together for him because he can't handle
me falling apart. I don't think it's fair to ask me to hold it
together just because of other things that have nothing to do with me.

It's okay though. He's coming home tomorrow. I am looking forward to it.

I am looking forward to a time we can all sit on the couch together,
eating ice cream, watching Battlestar Galactica, cuddling, the four of
us.

Steven's been gone most of the last two weeks. He's been stuck in this
oblivious state of tension, not knowing that things here are actually
better. That Lila and Hank actually have not banded against him as he
might imagine. That when we think of him, we think of love. When he
leaves, he is fleeing. To Allie, from this house.

It's frustrating. I am patient.