WWWAAAAHHHH! MINE!

Me!Me!Me! That's what it comes down to this whole mess has been a tantrum of what I want! My friend! My lover! I can't let this idea go. I want to be a screaming 3 year old that had her toy taken away. But that's not what happened no one is mine except myself.No one took anything from me or wants to hurt me. I don't own or control anyone and if i keep acting like that's acceptable then I'll lose everything and everyone i love. Steven brought up the idea that i don't love him totally because i rarely if ever think of what he wants and needs. He needs love, he needs to be able to share that. I need to be happy with him in that. The pain I've felt over this will fade and is fading. The pain i get in my chest is a growing pain and is motivated by envy. But what am i being envious of really? I have a wonderful amazing full life so many people that love me no matter what. If they still love me after the way I've acted this last couple of weeks i don't see what else i can ask for.

Last night was so nice Suzy,Hank and I were together. As when one of us is away the three that are here will sleep together. And we had a lovely time being together and as i watched Hank come with Suzy I felt a little welling in my eyes because it was so beautiful the way they fit together. The way she whispered to him the way she held him the calm in his moan. It felt like we're getting through this we can see the calm on the other side. I haven't heard him sound so content in awhile as his worry over my mood and mental state has been overpowering. And so unfair to him.

I know we can get through this and that it'll make us stronger and more honest with each other.

Tonight i have a date with Hank a little dinner and a movie cause we love going to the movies holding hands and talking while we walk down the street. I'm so looking forward to it to our time together and being present in that.

I love you all so very much! Thank you all for sticking with me while i worked out this insecurity. Have a wonderful rainy day!

Pasta Sauce, Whoops.

 I'm not illiterate. I read sometimes. I like to read non-fiction, handbooks, tutorials... when I was in middle school I used to have a huge stash of romance novels. I liked them for the romance, but I really read them for the sex scene or two in each. I average reading maybe two books a year. Some years, it's more like ten, but most of the time it's more like two.

This has always been a source of some weirdness in my relationship with my spouse. Stephen sometimes hands me books that I'm mildly interested in and asks me to read it because he's SURE I'll love it, and maybe a couple times I tried, but I usually walk away from them. I lose interest. My attention span falters.

I like to write a whole lot more than I like to read, that's for sure.

Maybe if I felt like I had more time to myself. More time to be in my head. I need to remember that while people are expecting me to be home at a particular time, that doesn't mean I have to be home at that time. I need more time that is just mine, and no one is expecting me to share it with them.

I walked home from work yesterday. It took two and a half hours, and it should take less than two. I dawdled. Paused on my way to inspect things. Built a structure out of sticks in the park. Took a picture of my face in profile in front of a sculpture of a face in profile and sent it to Stephen. A deep appreciation of whimsy is something that all four of us have in common.

At that point in time, Stephen was on a train on his way downstate to visit Allie.

Anyway, the reason I started writing this was because Stephen handed me a xerox-copy of some pages out of a book, the kind of packet I'd get in school, with two book-pages per one xeroxed page. It was a short story that he felt like I should read, and so far, all of his attempts at getting me to read short stories have been successes.

I looked at it on the train. The first xeroxed page of the packet, the right hand book-page was the title page of the story, but the left side of it was the last page of the preceding story in the collection. The lone last paragraph of the last story was crossed out, there was an arrow pointing to it, scrawled in the empty open space beneath it, and a note: "This story was pretty good too." And then, another arrow pointing to what must've been a stain, but was invisible now with a circle around it, and a note attached to that other, smaller arrow saying: "Pasta sauce, whoops."

And then I looked at how the packet had been folded. Tri-fold. It looks like it could have come in an envelope. Maybe in the mail.

Then I get to making up stories about how they're mailing each other handwritten love letters...

And then I get a little jealous. Jealous of handwritten letters, envious... I was a little bitter about Stephen passing off a story his girlfriend passed to him...

But It's just a story I made up. Maybe it didn't even come from Allie. And here I am, letting it make me sad. Besides, what's there to be sad about?

I have a hard time accepting that there are things about Stephen's life that I may never know about. That's something I like about monogamy. When monogamous, it is possible one day to feel like you know everything about someone, but with polyamory, there may always be secrets. Maybe not secrets, but dark corners in history... fuzzy spots. Things told to Stephen in confidence, moments Stephen's shared with other people, things it's just not my business to know. When you're monogamous, you'll never know everything about the person you're with, but it's at least easy to feel like you do.

I'm really okay, I just miss Stephen. He'll be back the day after tomorrow, though. I want him to get the most out of his vacation to visit Allie. I hope he's having a lovely time.

 

Also, Stephen, If you read this and I am completely wrong about the short story story I made up, just ignore me. Whether that story is true isn't the point I was trying to make.

 

And the short story really was beautiful, thanks for passing it to me.

Dear Hank,

My day is going well so far, thanks for asking.

This morning, I sent Steven a text message:"I imagine that if ANY of us had fallen facefirst into something so strong outside of us, they would have had to fight for it. If even just a little. Not a one of us would have had it scot free. Thanks for breaking us in. I miss you already. I love you madly."

I came to the realization that any of us would have had a hard time of it, being the first one of the four of us to find emotions and affection so strong outside of our home. It was just unfortunate that it happened to be Steven, the lover of our beloved, sensitive, insecure Lila... and it's unfortunate that the "something so strong," just happens to be Lila's friend.

I think it could be worse. She could live in town and he could be seeing her every other day.
But I think it's true! Don't you? Any one of us would have had some breaking-in to do with a new relationship, and the new relationship energy, and there would be jealousy... or at least envy. I know that Steven would have envied me because he already had felt that he couldn't see anyone else after what happened the last time he tried (how could he have known it was as easy as turning the world upside down?). I would have been happy for you, but a little blue. Lila... I wonder if anyone would have any hard feelings for Lila seeing anyone new. Steven had hard feelings about that night she spent with Sal.

It's just interesting to look at the bigger picture and imagine what if. Steven doesn't like what-ifs. I do. I like to make up stories about how things might've been. They're probably not useful, but I think I'm good at making up accurate ones... If being good at making up "accurate fictional stories" makes any sense at all.

I think these next few days without him will be really swell. I really do. Steven is going to have a nice vacation with Allie, relaxing and being lazy like he and I used to do when I lived out of town and went to visit him. For that, I am envious. I miss that. But I think that the three of us are going to have fun. You and Lila will have your date on Thursday or Friday (let me know, because I'd like to invite Red over), I think I will try to get the craft area in the basement put together, and you and I will take that long, long walk to get me warmed up for The Walk coming up.

I am optimistic. I know we're stronger than to crack open over something like this. It's about love, right? If it's not about love you're doing it wrong, right?

And if it sounds like I'm being over-narrative, dramatic and less than casual with you, it's because I mean this email to double as a blog entry.

I love you veryveryvery much,

Suzy

Coming Home

When it was just Hank and I we took comfort in those moments where jealousy would come up in the fact that no matter what we would be coming home to one another. That no matter what that was solid and secure that we would be old together and in that we had stability. Since it's been all of us things have gotten a bit more complicated but we are doing what we can to keep that in mind when our others want to go off. I've gone through it a bit here and there not so much with Hank as we've been through this and I have no doubt that we're as solid as solid can be. But Steven, well he's different it's been just under a year that we've been together and it being so new I'm still working on finding my path with the jealousy i feel with him. In the beginning he was seeing someone and that ended up ending because Suzy and I had issues with her not wanting to hang out with us and in the long run they weren't all that compatible so that was that. There was another almost woman but just as I was on the verge of really figuring out my emotions with it it ended. Now there's another woman who happens to be an old friend of mine. I know for a fact that it'll never go much further than a good friendship with benefits due to extenuating circumstances...she's working on her doctorate at a school in another state. She's not one for long relationships and well she just has a very busy life.Hank pointed out that Steven is the perfect summer fling as he's not going to run off or get too attached to her. But there's still that voice in the back of my head that wonders, is he going to fall madly in love and fly off? He told me last night that he loves me and that I'm his family and that we'll be together for the rest of our lives and I have to trust that I have to believe that he will always come home to us just as I have that unwavering belief that Hank will always come back. Even in the beginning with Suzy and Steven when things were new and I felt jealousy in relation to Hank and Suzy I never once thought he'd be gone. So that's what I have to learn from this situation that he will always come home. I need to trust that and believe what I live every day that we are able to love those we love for different reasons and that doesn't diminish what we feel for any one individual. That's all.