Hi I'm Lila!

Hello all, I'm Lila and I'm a member of a poly quad. My primary is Hank and together we have 3 children and have been with each other for ten wonderful years. Hank is the love of my life. He is the one I can say anything to and be anything with. I tend to be a very private person but with him there are no walls. I can be open with him and that's the way it's been from the beginning.

Hank and I met while working at a little bookshop. I had only been there a few days when he introduced himself and I was automatically smitten... He has the most beautiful and expressive face and in it you have no doubt that he gets everything he can out of his experience and lives his life in that way. He was the total opposite of me. I was so closed off and sad when we me. I felt much older than my 24 years. One night I was out drinking with some mutual friends when I went back to Hank's apartment and he was sitting up all hyper after seeing a really great show. We sat up and talked most of the night and went on to be together for the first time. It was beautiful and we were in love... within a month we were living together, and within 6 months I was pregnant with our first child.

We declared from the beginning that monogamy was something we weren't cut out for. Within a month of living together we'd already taken another lover, though it was short lived. It was so nice being with someone that was open and comfortable with my inability to commit myself sexually to the same person for the rest of my life. Up until then I had tried so many times to maintain monogamous relationships, but they always ended in my cheating, my partners getting hurt and my being so sad for causing them that pain. I did love them, but I loved someone else for different reasons. Eventually, having children and building our family took priority over the years, and though we had some short lived affairs here and there, we were very inwardly focused.

We were going along happily when one evening I went to a friends house. She was hanging out with a couple of really nice people so we hung out for a few. I talked to Suzy about craftiness and she gave me a card advertising her business. Steven was shy and barely spoke two words, but I found him to be quite attractive. I didn't think much of it otherwise, just that they were sweet. A week or so later Hank and I were out with our friend and we ended up over at Suzy and Steven's apartment. Steven asked if I wanted a drink, I said sure and followed him to the kitchen. We were talking and at one point we made eye contact for a moment and I felt butterflies. It was so exciting as it had been awhile since that had happened. I was starting to really like this guy... ah... So the night went on from there. Suzy and I talked more on art, she showed me what she had created and we made plans to hang out soon. Hank and I left with little skips in our steps...

We hung out a few more times after that. Once we were hanging out with just Suzy, and at this point she tells us that they're poly as well and that they're trying to figure out what their deal is. Steven was out that evening, seeing someone else, and Suzy was sorting through her feelings about it. This was the first time he'd been away and she was feeling a bit sad, so we sat with her and talked into the wee hours when he came home and we left...

Fast forward a few weeks and we've hung out a few times and are really liking each other's company, when Hank decides to tell them that we are attracted to them. So we set up babysitting and have an awesome evening that leads to yummy breakfast and all of us falling for each other.

It's been stressful and there have been problems and jealousies. But it has been amazing to figure out how to all adapt and build a family together.

Beauty and the Beard

When we met Lila and Hank, he had a beard. A respectable, well-tended beard. According to Lila, he usually has a beard, only shaving it for special occasions. Otherwise, he's always bearded. Hank says that at the time we'd all met he had just decided that because it had been a while since they'd met anyone "special," he was just going to grow out his beard for the hell of it. After everything happened and the four of us fell in love, he decided it was his lucky beard and that he was going to grow it out even more.

His beard grew and grew over the months. We joked that he looked like a gold prospector (There's gold in them thar hills!)

Lila and Steven had a beef with the beard. Lila preferred Hank clean shaven in general. Steven loves Hank, but can't seem to be attracted to his face with fur all over it. Every chance they got, they teamed up to rip on Hanks poor scruffy jaw.

I was there when Hank shaved his beard, deciding that since it had been two weeks (he'd marked it on the calendar) since anyone had made any snide remarks, it was time. I was peeking around the bathroom doorjamb, scared to see the end results. Not just the aesthetic ones... but the the other less tangible ones. His beard came off in tough chunks like wool in the metalic teeth of the electric razor. Dense clumps of wirey auburn hair, fell softly and made what I called "beard bunnies" in the sink. His eyes were surprised at what had been happening underneath since the last time. The last time being over two years ago, long before I met him.

He wears a beard as a sort of a mask, and it's been okay with me. He always told me that he doesn't like his face, doesn't like his chin, and would prefer to keep it hidden. It's been okay with me, but I've always been curious. Always hoped that one day he'd let me see.

I love to run my fingers through Hank's beard. I love to take a handful at his jawbone and lightly tug. I like to skritch his chin. I love Hank in a beard, don't get me wrong (and I'm terrified that he will), but to see his face is such a gift to me. I cried to see him smile. He has creases in his cheeks I had no idea existed. He has a cleft in his chin and a jawline begging for kisses. I have a hard time thinking about seeing his face go away again, but then again... he is really cute in his beard.

Hi, I'm Suzy, and I'm a polyamorist (Hi Suzy!)

Steven and I are new at this. Hank and Lila have had extramarital relationships, mostly together, before. But as for Steven and I, this is the first successful poly relationship either of us have ever been in, so we're not especially hip to any lingo, laws, rules or anything else. We've done some homework, but essentially, we're newbies.

I have never been good at monogamy or strong in the willpower department and so I have cheated on almost everyone I've tried to be exclusive with. After I saw the movie "Two Girls and a Guy" at age 16, I had shed the idea that the only correct way to be is monogamous. The part at the end where Heather Graham's character was explaining that she thought maybe forcing oneself to stick with only one life partner might be some type of masochism, and that "maybe monogamy violates some essential part of our being," stuck with me. Resonated with me. I was inspired by the idea that it doesn't have to be that way, that some people don't have to be sealed up into boxes to make airholes as necessary (and sometimes open it up, climb out under the cover of darkness, slip back in and close it back up as inconspicuously as possible).

I wanted polyamory for myself and made a couple of fumbly attempts at it as a teenager, but when all was said and done, people were getting hurt and no one was comfortable. So, all through young adulthood I either slept around with friends all willy nilly or I was attached to someone. I was rarely single, actually. I was attempting, more often than not, to live in that box. When I did cheat, it made me feel terrible. I would do it once (maybe twice) per lover and then never again, cursing myself for being so loose or weak or whatever it was. I operated on the belief that what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them (the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt anybody) and I allowed it to eat me up on the inside, mostly.

I was waiting for that one person... the one that would make me forget all others and would be my perfect match and soulmate and would be so good in the sack that I would never be tempted ever again. That person would have to give me everything I need. The works. One stop shopping. The whole shebang.

Around the time that I had met my husband, I had been living in a city not very far from the one we live in now and was fresh out of a 2 and a half year, monogamous, semi-fidelitous relationship. I began to take bus rides with some frequency to visit friends that I had in that city. That's where I met Steven. He was a friend of a friend that I was actually sleeping with at the time.

His impish smile is what done me in. Well, that and the MDMA we and our friends were all on that night... He loved my favorite band, he made silly jokes, he was effeminate as hell, which I find incredibly attractive. I fell in love with the way that he seemed mature and stable, but childish and reckless. He likes to chill out and watch episode after episode of the same show all in a row, but he also likes to go out, have a good time and get completely plastered. As our relationship developed, I fell in love with how he wants to take care of me and worries about me, but at the same time, needs someone to mom him. I'm amused by how he can pay his bills on time, every time, but be completely impulsive with his own money. He is neurotic in ways that I can't comprehend sometimes, but it's all part of his charm.

I was blunt with him when he and I were getting to know each other and told him I was just not a monogamous person. The last relationship had taken a lot out of me and I was done with trying to make myself do something I didn't want or have to do and we bonded for a moment about how monogamy was for the birds.

We were on the phone, still across state lines from each other when Steven finally asked me to be exclusive with him. I was taken aback. He confessed that although he understood my predicament, he didn't think that he could share me. It really was a tough decision for me to make. I had barely been out of my last relationship for 2 months, and now here I go again jumping into a new one. It really has been the story of my post-pubescent life. I asked him if I could call him back. I took some time to myself to think about it. I was scared, but I was also falling in love fast, and I could feel it. So I called him back and said okay, but I did warn him that I wasn't good at monogamy and I would probably screw up. I hoped that maybe we could discuss non-monogamy in the future. Just a few months later, we were married.

About a year into our marriage I met Hank through a mutual friend, E. I was hanging out at her place, maybe a couple other people were there, and he was just passing though momentarily. My first impression of him was very favorable. I knew I wanted to be his friend by just looking at him. Not at his clothes or his good looks, but because he was always smiling and friendly. The fact that he was married, had children and was considerably older than I, were all reasons I never imagined it would move beyond friendship initially, but every time I saw him I got a warm feeling all over. He had an easy wink he shared with me and it made me very happy. When he moved past me, he touched me and made me want to be in his way more often. While talking to him and getting to know him, he said I should get to know his wife, because she crafts too and he thought we would get along.

The four of us, Steven, Lila and Hank and I, had spent time together a couple times when E mentioned to us that since we were struggling with the idea of polyamory, we should talk to Hank and Lila about it because they are poly. Steven and I were surprised at our good fortune, and we did ask them. We asked them if they had any rules, and they did. The rules were, don't fall in love with anyone else (ha!), and don't run away. We asked if they get jealous, and they said no... not really...

It didn't take very much longer for the four of us to figure out the way we all fit together. It turns out that Steven and I had always had problems with his need for stupid arguments, and my need to keep the peace. He has a destructive side that I had been trying to keep in check. We got along well enough, but the balance was very hard to keep even with all the communication. It was really tough sometimes but we were always in love, and desperately wanted to keep it that way. When we met Hank and Lila, they'd been together for 9 years. And while they didn't seem to do much arguing or have much in the way of marital strife, Lila admitted to missing chaos since Hank would rarely lose his cool or participate in screaming matches leaving her with an itch needing to be scratched. Each of our marriages had an element of that yin and yang, the calm and the restless, the placid and the argumentative, the laid back and the rowdy. And now we can have the yin/yang, the yin/yin and the yang/yang.

It's been said in our little circle before, and it bears repeating: we win. That's how it feels, really. It just feels like we win. We've been together nine and a half months. Here we all are, living together, the four of us with Lila and Hank's brood and my two cats. We've been in this house for over two months now, one big happy family, adjusting, unpacking, testing boundaries and learning as we go, together.

Kathy Labriola, in an article she wrote in Loving More Magazine about poly partnerships living together (http://www.lovemore.com/articles/plstyle.html), said: "I have seen literally hundreds of threesomes and foursomes move in together as poly families, and I can count on my fingers the ones who have been able to sustain their family for more than two years." Well, I take that as a challenge. That's part of the reason I was psyched about writing this blog with my partners, is because I want to make this work, permanently, and I want people to see how we did it.

While we know that there are resources to be had, even community groups we could attend, there is no public common knowledge (well, not entirely accurate knowledge) about polyamory and especially poly families. And I understand that it would be tough to outline every single separate possible partnership, and living situation and the dos and the don'ts of each and the many different ways it could either fail or work... but I feel like the more information out there, the better. We're fumbling around, trying to be respectful and considerate of each other's feelings and time and it is HARD, but if anyone can glean any kind of useful information from the four of us leaving little tidbits here, then thank goodness.