WWWAAAAHHHH! MINE!

Me!Me!Me! That's what it comes down to this whole mess has been a tantrum of what I want! My friend! My lover! I can't let this idea go. I want to be a screaming 3 year old that had her toy taken away. But that's not what happened no one is mine except myself.No one took anything from me or wants to hurt me. I don't own or control anyone and if i keep acting like that's acceptable then I'll lose everything and everyone i love. Steven brought up the idea that i don't love him totally because i rarely if ever think of what he wants and needs. He needs love, he needs to be able to share that. I need to be happy with him in that. The pain I've felt over this will fade and is fading. The pain i get in my chest is a growing pain and is motivated by envy. But what am i being envious of really? I have a wonderful amazing full life so many people that love me no matter what. If they still love me after the way I've acted this last couple of weeks i don't see what else i can ask for.

Last night was so nice Suzy,Hank and I were together. As when one of us is away the three that are here will sleep together. And we had a lovely time being together and as i watched Hank come with Suzy I felt a little welling in my eyes because it was so beautiful the way they fit together. The way she whispered to him the way she held him the calm in his moan. It felt like we're getting through this we can see the calm on the other side. I haven't heard him sound so content in awhile as his worry over my mood and mental state has been overpowering. And so unfair to him.

I know we can get through this and that it'll make us stronger and more honest with each other.

Tonight i have a date with Hank a little dinner and a movie cause we love going to the movies holding hands and talking while we walk down the street. I'm so looking forward to it to our time together and being present in that.

I love you all so very much! Thank you all for sticking with me while i worked out this insecurity. Have a wonderful rainy day!