How?

I don't know how this is done? How do you live in the same house with someone you cared about at one point and keep the calm. Steven has been laid off and so he's here a lot it makes me feel raw. As much as i try to banish it from my mind it still feels raw. When he's not here i feel calm i feel centered but his very presence brings up the panic. The panic over how I've acted the overwhelming feeling that if i could have just seen two steps ahead none of this would have happened. I need to stop caring about him but it's hard. It feels like a divorce and I've never done that before. I know things have to calm down at some point. I'm finding a path toward my own calm but i feel derailed at times and it's hard to get it back. When he's in the room with me my chest feels caved in i think of the friendship that is gone with Allie i think of the love that is gone with Steven. Everyone reminds me to breathe and be present but my present is so painful right now so full of reminders of the mistakes I've made. I feel alot better when i focus on the kids but that even feels shakable because i regret what I've brought them into. They felt comfortable in this they were told this was their family and now it's not. They've lost a friend they've grown up with and will probably never see again because of all this. I can't help but feel like the worst parent in the world for giving this to them and then to have it taken away. But I'll breathe and I'll keep finding my center and we'll all get through this in one piece.

~ Lila